Melancholy

It's that time of year...I'm getting ready to go back to school.  I am looking forward to classes, however as I pack everything and prepare to move out of my house again I can't help but dwell on my childhood.  I got my old family videos out today...the ones from when I was really little, 3 and 4.  It's almost as if I never want those times to be over.  I don't understand how people move on so easily.

At high school graduation I was very ready to move forward into a new chapter of my life.  But as I began to actually prepare for my first departure to college I felt a lot of mixed feelings.  I wanted to keeping growing, but I didn't want to let go of my childhood.  Everything was perfect the way it was and I didn't want to change that.  For graduation I received 20 letters from my mom, written every Christmas, when I was born, and at graduation.  I opened the first a week before I left in August and couldn't get through it without crying.  I have yet to read the rest.

I thought that these feelings of melancholy would slowly evaporate during the year and that I could accept the fact that life was moving on.  But...they haven't.  I don't actually think that I will ever overcome "home sickness" despite the fact that I go to school 10 minutes from my family.  Home is a safe place and even on long vacation I find myself looking forward to the return home.  In these transition years, however, it's especially difficult, you haven't established your own home and future family, yet you no longer truly live at your childhood home.

All of these feelings are rushing back as I now prepare for another year away from home.  I do remind myself that they are feelings that come from being loved and being raised by a good family.  While it is an emotional time I know these emotions come from a good place.  It is hard to let go of the past, but I know the future holds just as many wonderful memories waiting to be discovered.